just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
