Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
