Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
