I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
