Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
