The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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