its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
