he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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