Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
