Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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