I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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