I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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