so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
