Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
