I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
