If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize