my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
