i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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