That's when you crack a 10am beer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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