Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
