but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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