I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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