There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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