Even the bartender felt bad for me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
