tequila makes me forget i have legs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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