I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You made out with two different species that night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize