I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
