I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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