youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
