First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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