I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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