if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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