the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
