She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
