we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
