Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
