Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
