id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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