I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
