She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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