Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
