Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
