my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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