just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Tell her she can't have a vagina
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
