I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
