i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
don't judge my taste in strippers
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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