you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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