If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
