So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
