One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
