cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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