I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You've changed since you got that strap on
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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