one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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